


Diary

by Writerofthelorde



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Stucky - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Cute, Diary, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, Pain, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Secrets, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, man tears, steve rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 23:11:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3096059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writerofthelorde/pseuds/Writerofthelorde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has a diary he writes everything in that he cannot tell anyone else. One day Bucky (post winter soldier) walks in and finds it. </p><p>Post Winter Soldier where Bucky is mostly Bucky again and they all live in the Avengers tower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diary

Steve writes about all his pain in his diary. One day Bucky finds it and ends up being extremely upset and unable to stop crying.

Steve walks in on him crying and freezes when he sees his diary. “Bucky! You are not allowed to read that!” Bucky looks up, tears streaming down his face. “Is this all true..?” He asked breathing out heavily. 

Steve looks at him angrily. “Of course it’s true! It’s my damn diary!” Bucky closes his eyes tightly and only starts crying harder. He placed the diary next to him and stands up to walk over to Steve. Steve was frozen on the spot, unsure of what his friend was going to do. 

Bucky just walked over to him and fell against him. He wrapped both his arms around him and cried onto his shoulder. 

Steve just stood there, arms by his sides and head hanging, not knowing what to do. 

“H-have you read everything?” Steve asked hesitantly. “N-no… I… I couldn’t… there’s just… too much pain…” 

It was silent for a while, until Bucky spoke again. “I… I didn’t mean to read it..! I just… I had found an.. an album that you should listen to and I wanted to write it down in your notebook and I thought this was your notebook so I opened it up and then I saw my name and I was curious and I started reading and then I started crying and then I couldn’t stop reading and then I had to stop reading ‘cause I couldn’t stop crying and I…. I’m so sorry Steve!” He sobbed harshly. 

Steve didn’t know how to reply. All he could think about was that Bucky might know his darkest secrets. There was one secret he didn’t seem to know though. He stepped away from Bucky’s grip and took a hold of the diary, reading what his friend had just been reading. 

_Today was so terrible.. I honestly cannot stop crying and the pain inside of me is unbearable. I saw him.. I saw Bucky… I said his name but he didn’t know it belonged to him. He didn’t recognise me and he was nothing like himself. Oh god I have missed him so much..! I have begged to see him one more time so many damn nights and yet now that I have seen him I wish that I hadn’t. He looked right at me and didn’t know who I was!! Oh god the things I’m feeling right now! I just want to cry myself to sleep but at the same time I’m afraid to sleep. I have always had nightmares. Every single god damn night I have nightmares, but this… this is so much worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had…_

Steve sniffled and tried to hold back his tears as he remembered that night. It had been an absolutely terrible night. That night he had fallen back into a habit that was one of his darkest secrets. He prayed that Bucky hadn’t read that, but he was pretty sure that he had. 

Quickly he dried his face and started searching through the pages to find the one thing he needed Bucky to read; his love confession. 

Steve didn’t want to face him. He wanted to run away and never come back, never _look_ back even. He couldn’t be around him and right now, he couldn’t be friends with him. He figured that Bucky would either read it and never want to see him again, or read it and tell him he felt the same way. He was hoping for the latter but preparing for the first.

There it was; the page of his confession. He breathed in deeply and turned to Bucky, who was looking down and still sobbing silently. Steve grabbed one of Bucky’s hands and pushed his diary into it. “Read it.” Steve said harshly. “It’s the last thing you’re allowed to read, so you better read it.”

Steve swallowed harshly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

Bucky scanned his eyes over it and spotted three little words he couldn’t get out of his head; I love him. He told himself it was just Steve saying he loved his friend, but he hoped with everything he had it meant more than that.

He quickly looked back at the top of the page and started reading.

_Dear diary._

_I have to confess something. I’ve been keeping this inside for way too damn long and I just have to let it go. I have to tell someone, without actually telling someone. You are my someone that isn’t actually a someone._

_okay so, here goes…_

_I love him._

_Bucky Barnes. James Buchanan Barnes. I was in love with him. He fell… He died… without knowing that I loved him… that I_ _love_ _him. I still do… and I still am_ _in_ _love with him._

_I’m in love with him…_

_I, Steven Rogers, am in love with James Buchanan Barnes._

_Bucky_

_My Bucky_

_I wish he could’ve been_ _my_ _Bucky._

 

Bucky looked up, new tears in his eyes and a surprised expression on his face. Steve was looking down. He couldn’t face him while he read one of his deepest secrets. 

Bucky placed the diary on the bed and set one big step to stand in front of Steve. He took a hold of his face with both of his hands, pulling him up, while he leant down. They were in a very uncomfortable position when their lips met, but god damn it, it was magical. 

Steve stood up, bringing his own hands to Bucky’s face as he returned the kiss. Bucky tried to remove the tears that were streaming down Steve’s face, but they just kept coming. 

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s neck pulling him closer and closer. Lips worked together desperately, while hands tried to pull the other closer. 

Steve kept crying harder and harder the more he realised what Bucky now knows about him. Bucky stopped the kiss and backed of worriedly. “What’s wrong?” He asked. He closed his eyes tightly, mentally slapping himself for asking such a stupid question. 

Steve knew what he meant though. He sighed and didn’t know what to say at first. “I just…” He started, when he began to know what to say. “I… You… I can’t help but realise…. you… the things you’ve read… my darkest secrets are in there… and I…” Steve had to stop and breathe deeply, to keep himself from sobbing any louder. “I can’t help but realise what you now know… and I… can’t help but be afraid of what else you know..! I don’t know what you read..! I don’t know which secrets you know! What if you know! What if you..! know my darkest secrets! What if you know them all!” Steve completely panicked and Bucky didn’t know what to do. 

“Steve…” He whispered. “I love you nonetheless.” Steve looked up, eyes red and puffy and so were his cheeks. “I… I… thank you…” He pressed the tiniest kiss onto Bucky’s lips before backing off. 

“I just… I can’t help but imagine what must be going through your head right now…” He said surprisingly calm. Soon Steve panicked again though. Bucky didn’t know what to say and Steve continued to get more and more panicked, slipping into an attack. 

Bucky had started crying again, he was so incredibly sorry for doing this to Steve. He let his head fall onto Steve’s shoulder and cried. “I’m so sorry…” He sobbed. He didn’t know what to do to calm Steve. He didn’t know how to help him and he didn’t know how to apologise to him. 

“I don’t know what to do… Steve… I want to help… I don’t know how to help..!” He sighed heavily. “Stevie..! Just tell me what to do..! I’ll do anything to help!” He nearly yelled, panicking himself. Bucky’s panic was far less bad than Steve’s, and he sighed to calm himself. “I’ll do anything to apologise…” He added sadly. 

Steve took a hold of his face with both his hands and made Bucky face him. “Just… just be with me.” He whispered softly.

Bucky was surprised. He switched his gaze from eye to eye, trying to figure out if he meant that. “but only if you want to.” Steve added with a nervous smile. “a-and… just don’t… look at me like you know…” 

Bucky nodded, mouth slightly open and eyes rather wide. “I love you.”, was all he could say in response.

Steve pulled him in and kissed his lips softly, before feeling Bucky kiss back and sighing out in relieve. He pressed his forehead against Bucky’s, and closed his eyes. “Only if you want to, Buck.” 

Bucky nodded against his head. He leant in, lips brushing past each other, but no real kiss happened. “I want to.” He whispered to his lips.  

Steve moved his eyes up and locked his gaze with Bucky. He could see in his eyes that he was telling the truth. A tear fell out of his eye and streamed down his cheek. Bucky moved up his hand and removed it. 

He pressed a soft kiss onto his lips. When he backed off he got pulled back in and kissed passionately. 

After a few good minutes Steve backed off with a questions in his mind. “Why?” He wondered. Bucky smiled and pecked his lips sweetly. “‘till the end of the line, remember.” 

**Author's Note:**

> comments, concerns, critique, everything is welcome and much appreciated. <3


End file.
